The posts in my blog aren't going to make me 'mom of the year'. Or even of the decade, or century for that matter. I'm not that kinda gal. I'm impatient, ambitious, stubborn and a little weird.
The day will come where I no longer walk this earth, and I pray my words of love for each of them in my posts fill their hearts with comfort knowing just how loved they were by their mama.
So here's the lowdown... or is it downlow? I always get that mixed-up.
Mack finished basketball and seems to be living in his own world. He doesn't talk much, yet seems happy. He does homework at the dining room table each night, eats two fried eggs and sausage patties each morning, makes dinosaur oatmeal when he's hungry and doesn't like what were having, still adores his dad and has yet to refer to me as his mom. Puberty is weird. Throw the fact that he's amazing smart, socially cool and yet experienced a history none of us can imagine makes puberty even weirder. If there is such a thing?...
Ross just got dumped by a girl he was crazy about. I swear it was a Snapchat relationship, but still. He had just ordered her birthday gifts with his Christmas money (which showed up on the front porch the day they broke up). He sat on my lap and cried. I know. He's 12. Yet, as ridiculous as it is, watching my boy experience a broken heart tore me up in ways I can't even explain. 2 days later they are back together after they decided it was 'a misunderstanding' and suddenly his world is right again. And this stage of life is just beginning. Pass the wine...
Maisie now wakes up each morning at 6:15 so she and I can 'hang out' in the bathroom getting ready for the day. As Mike calls it, its her and my "coffee time". With 4 brothers and sisters, you have to find your own personal time and for her, mornings it is! She's been a God-Send when it comes to Jay (which I'll get to later).
Molly is feeling all the feels right now. So much jealousy, so much learning, so much love and so much anger. Jay has been hard on her. She and he have a love/hate relationship right now. She's thriving at school and has broken through the shell she's been trapped in for the past 3 years. She's the hilarious, loving girl I can't imagine this world without. However, she's our Ross without a penis and experiences VERY strong feelings. Can hardly wait for her to turn 13 :/
I don't even know where to start with our Jay. As they say, the only thing that's NOT hard about adoption is loving the child. He's struggling in so many areas, which makes this mama's heart hurt. I watch him sob (with shaking and groaning) each morning before school. I watch him fake sick. I watch him ignore. I watch him cry silent tears. I feel him squeeze my neck in a hug when he doesn't want me to leave. I feel his body shake and shutter when he's crying out of fear and anxiety. I want so badly to help him. I want to understand what's going through his little mind, but he's not in a place to share that yet. Right now he needs to feel safe and loved. He needs to know we aren't leaving him. He needs to feel the love he missed out on for so many years.
He started therapy with the school therapist. After our fist visit, the therapist suggested I contact a psychologist. I've spied on him during recess and watched my little boy swinging alone... sitting on the bench alone... clearing wanting to play with his someone, yet not sure how to do it.
I don't know why God chose me to play this role. However, all I can do is trust Him to know I'm exactly where I need to be and doing everything in my power to embrace it I have no idea if my youngest is suffering post traumatic stress disorder, post orphanage behavior, autism, cognitive delays, fetal alcohol syndrome.... seriously there are so many unknowns at this point.
Today my Foods students were frying meatballs and set off the smoke alarms causing an all-school fire alarm. As my students filed out of the building in lab coats with me rolling my eyes at the yellow kitchen, my thought was, "At least we know the smoke alarms work!" We came inside after the alarms stopped and a student asked, "Are you going to give the yellow kitchen F's?" I responded, "Of course not. We're here to learn!"
With SO many ways to look at a situation, I'm preferring laughter, gratitude and endless amounts of patience.
For years, people have told me, "Enjoy your kids, they grow up way too fast!" Guess what? They were right. Seriously, Ross has pubes!
Older people tell me "Enjoy life, it goes WAY too fast."
I've got a hunch they're also right as I notice the aches and pains of being human, the loss of hearing and the exhaustion I feel by 7:30 each night.
So that's the downlow.
And as the kids celebrated their 100th day of school today, it's clear life isn't about to slow down one bit. And as challenging as some days are, I couldn't be more grateful for God's Angel Army's, who are constantly by my side.
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